The Sex Goddess Blues

Many women and girls feel insecure about sex, especially when it's new. How can we build some sexual confidence?

I'm just going to lay it down for you: sex will not be great unless you're mentally and emotionally prepared. But "prepared" means something different for everyone. For one person, it might mean a solid, committed relationship. For another, it might mean having overcome some body image problems. And for yet another, you might just genuinely feel ready right out of the gate. We all require different things in order to be truly prepared to have sex for the first time. Some of us might require a lot, and some might require almost nothing. Sex might have a lot of emotional or moral meaning for one person, but for another, it might have no such weight behind it at all.

Being that we are, y'know, human women's bodies are not pristine. When we have sex, all of our bodies' small idiosyncrasies, quirks, and so-called "flaws" are on display. This is to be expected -- our bodies' natural functions are an inevitable part of life. Real-life sex often involves a lot of these functions in many different ways. These functions involve all manner of smells, sights, sounds, goops, juices, and fluids. Living in fear of these realities won't do you any good; it helps to not only to coexist with them, but to embrace them as part of your awesome self.

Women get a whole lot of messages about body hair. So how do we figure out what you want in terms of shaving and other personal grooming?

Contrary to a common public opinion, there's no right or wrong way to have sex. Bad sex -- and what that even is varies from person to person -- definitely happens, but usually only when there's little to no communication, and one party isn't attuned to the other's needs. (I am speaking of consensual sex that's just a stinker here, not about sexual assault.) Every person's preferences are unique. An act or gesture that drives one person absolutely wild might fall flat for another. You might think, "Wow, my ex really loved it when I did this one certain thing, but my new partner barely responds to it at all." This is just the nature of sex.

Sexual shame hinders women in far too many ways. It's a difficult beast to tackle, as it assumes so many nuanced, subtle forms in our daily lives. To be sure, some forms of sexual shame are blatant, but many of them are so deeply engrained that we scarcely even notice them. By making ourselves aware of the different ways we're made to feel ashamed, however, we can begin to overcome them.

When it comes to sex, women are often portrayed as nothing but warm vessels there to validate male partners' egos. The widespread cultural acceptance of a woman pursuing pleasure for her own sake is a relatively new one (at least in West's modern history), and we've still got a long way to go. It's no small wonder that many women have a difficult time asking for what they want in general, let alone when it comes to sex.