Be a Blabbermouth! (Some Sample Sexual Conversations)

(Part of Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner)

• The Not-Just-Yet-Hookup: You’ve hung out⁠ (out: Short for ‘out of the closet’. When someone’s LGBTQ+ identity is known to other people.) with someone once or twice with friends, and wound up spending time alone both times. Now you’re hanging out alone in a private space for the first time, some enjoyable making out⁠ (making out: A vague term, but often a session of extended activity that includes passionate or deep kissing, some kind of other body contact and may even include other kinds of sex, like manual sex (fingering or handjobs).) is afoot, and it seems pretty likely one or both of you are going to initiate something more sexual⁠ (sexual: About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.) . That’d be just fine by you, but you want to be sure things don’t get too heavy, too fast.

You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I just want to press pause for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page.
Them: Mmmm, mmmm…okay. What’s up?
You: I’d like to keep making out, and I’m probably comfortable with some dry sex⁠ (dry sex: A kind of sex where people have clothes on, but are pressing their genitals together. This can also be called frottage, grinding or dry humping.) if you are, but I know I don’t want to go further than that this soon.
Them: Yeah, I like this too, and if you want to have dry sex, I could be down with that, but that all by itself is great for me, too.
You: Awesome. Just keep me posted with any changes if you start to feel differently, and I’ll do the same. Can I press play again?

Alternate Conversation:
You: Hey – this feels great, and I’d like to keep on doing it if you would, but I want to stop for a sec to make sure we’re on the same page.
Them: Mmmm, mmmm…shhhh. (keeps kissing⁠ (kissing: Pressing one's lips against someone else's lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.) )
You: Whoah: it’s really important to me that I take a minute now, so I need you to do that, too.
Them: Ugh, FINE!
You: You know, if we can’t do things like just take a minute to check in and lay down some boundaries and ground rules – and that’s all I needed to do – while this felt really good, I don’t want to keep going with it. So, I’m going to go home for now. If you’re ready to talk about this another time, you can call me.

• The Silent Partner: You can tell that your partner⁠ (partner: In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.) is trying pretty hard to have things feel good to you, but your indirect (or nonexistent) communication⁠ (communication: Various ways we express ourselves to others, such as through speech, written words or symbols, sign language, body language, touch or art.) about what feels best to you and where has got them clueless and you perpetually dissatisfied. You have a disability which limits your mobility, and which you also aren't yet totally comfortable talking about when it comes to sex⁠ (sex: Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. ) . Fact is, you just have a tough time talking about what you like.

Them: How about this, do you like this? Do you want that instead?
You: You know what, let’s stop for a minute and talk. I’ve been having the hardest time talking about what I like and what I don’t. Maybe I’m afraid of hurting your feelings, or of embarrassing myself. It's also still not easy for me to voice when my disability keeps me from doing things I wish I could do, but I know just don't work for me.
Them: Well, I embarrass myself in front of you almost every day and you still like me. And my feelings shouldn’t be hurt about what you like and you don’t: if they are, that’s my thing to deal with, not yours. I don't have a disability, but there are plenty of things I can't do or which don't feel comfortable for me, too. How about we start with the good stuff: that’s easy, right? Later on we can get to the stuff that’s going to make me feel like a dope.
You: Okay. Well, I like it when you do . But it's often painful for me to do it in the position you keep wanting to do it in.
Them: I like that, too. So, what can I do to make that even better, and how can we do it so you're comfortable?
You: Ummm… maybe we could try it like .
Them: You got it! See, not so hard.

• When It’s Over for Me, It’s Over: Your sexual partner⁠ (sexual partner: Someone besides yourself you have intentionally, actively and physically explored your sexual feelings with in some way, like via sexual activity such as intercourse, oral sex or manual sex.) doesn’t seem to really keep you in the picture: when they’re all finished with sex, they act as if that means you must be, too, even though you usually aren’t.

You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to.
Them: Okay, what is it?
You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am. When we have sex together, it feels like it’s all about how or when you get off and not about me, too.
Them: Wow, I thought you were enjoying yourself. I feel terrible, now.
You: You don’t need to feel terrible: I should have said something before now, I was just too nervous. And I have been enjoying myself, just not all the time, and just not to the point where I’m feeling as good as you are, or getting to an orgasm⁠ (orgasm: An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. ) , like you do. But now that you know, can I tell you what I need some more of, and can we talk about how we might do things differently from here on out?
Them: Of course.

Alternate Conversation:
You: I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and it isn’t easy to talk about, but I need to.
Them: Okay, what is it?
You: Well, I keep feeling like maybe you don’t understand that just because you’re finished with sex, that doesn’t mean I am. When we have sex together, it feels like it’s all about how or when you get off and not about me, too.
Them: It’s about you. I mean, you’re there and I’m touching you, aren’t I? My friends say girls like it the way we do it just fine, and the ones that don’t just have something wrong with them.
You: Yeah, I’m there but I feel like I’m there mostly for what you want, and I’m not other girls: I’m me. I don’t know about the girls your friends are with, but I know that this isn’t working for me, and I’m the girl whose opinions and feelings should matter here. And something is wrong right now: I don’t feel like you’re really considering me, and while I understand you might be feeling defensive, I need to be heard – more than your friends – if we’re going to keep having sex. What I am saying is that when you’re finished, most of the time I’m not, and I need you to either care more about that, or if you already do, to show me that you care by asking if I’m finished, and when I’m not, by asking what else I want to do. I’d do the same thing for you if I came first.
Them: This is making me really mad. It’s not my problem if normal sex doesn’t work for you.
You: You know, this is a hard talk for me to have, too, but with you being this angry about it, I don’t feel like we can have it right now. You're saying some pretty hurtful things to me, and I don't feel like you're being very considerate of my feelings. We’re having sex together, so any problems I’m having like this are supposed to be things you care about, too. I think you do, but you’re too upset to have this talk now. So, I’m going to go home for now, but I’ll call you in a little bit and we can talk more if you want, or you can call me when you’ve cooled off.

• Their Favorite, Your Big Drag: There’s a sexual activity your partner really likes to do, so you’ve done it a few times, even though you’ve come to the conclusion that you really don’t like it at all. He or she wants to do it again today, and you’re just feeling trapped, especially since you feel like because you did it a few times before, it’s going to be a big drama for you to say you don’t want to do it anymore, and you’re also worried about losing them if they can’t do that activity with you.

You: Hey: I don’t really want to do anymore. I know you like it, so I’ve tried it, but I’m just not into it and it doesn’t make me feel good.
Them: Why didn’t you tell me before?
You: I was still making up my mind, but I was also worried because it seems like everybody does it and likes it, so I felt like a jerk or a prude and was also really worried you’d just want to find somebody else who would do it. I wanted to like what you like.
Them: Well, you like and I don’t, and while I wish I did, because it’d make you happy, I know that you wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t like, and that sex where we both aren’t into something just isn’t any good. I don’t want you to do things you don’t like: there are plenty of things we both like, and we don’t have to like all the same things. And I’d never ditch you because you don’t want to do that: I care about you for way more reasons than this. Please just be honest with me when you don’t want to do something, okay? How can I help?
You: God, thanks. I’m sorry, I was just feeling really insecure. And I guess you could help by just not talking about how hot that is, and obviously by not asking me to do it for now. Who knows, I might feel different later on, and if I do, I’ll let you know, okay?
Them: No problem: consider it done. By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you something, too.
You: What?
Them: This is hard for me, but…oh god, I just don’t know how to say this.
You: Oh, no: what IS it? Are you okay?
Them: I’m just going to come out with it. I know you love Chocolate ice cream, but – and this isn’t easy for me to say – I’ve got to be honest, I’m a Mint Chocolate Chip guy. I hope you still want to be with me.

• Not Tonight (or This Month), Honey, I Have a Headache: You’re just not in the mood for sex lately, probably for a few reasons: you’ve been stressed and depressed, and you also have some relationship⁠ (relationship: An ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.) issues that have been bothering you.

You: Can we talk about me and sex for a bit?
Them: Sure: is everything okay?
You: Eh, it’s really not for me right now. It’s just that lately I haven’t been in the mood for sex at all. I wish I was, but I’ve just been so stressed out, these antidepressants are doing a serious number on me, and I also think I’m just feeling unresolved with where we’re at with other parts of our relationship lately.
Them: I can understand that, even though I wish you felt better. What should we do?
You: Maybe we could spend the time we have together for a while either just snuggling, or doing some different things together? And maybe we could also talk some more about that fight we had last week? I know I said I felt fine about it afterwards, but after a few days, I realized I really didn’t.
Them: I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss sex with you, I do, but I’m happy to do any or all of those things. Whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere, after all, and I know you’d be understanding with me if I was in the same spot. That has be a big bummer for you.
You: It seriously is, but you know, I’m feeling a little better about it already, just because you’re being so great about this. I don't know why I expected anything different. Thanks so much: I love you.

• Confessions of a Faker: You’ve been faking orgasm, and you don’t know how on earth to tell your partner.

You: I have to tell you something, and it’s really hard for me, and you will probably be upset. The world isn’t ending, but it’s a pretty big deal.
Them: What is it?
You: Oh boy. Well, sex together isn’t going as well for me as you think it is. I’ve been faking orgasm a lot.
Them: What? When? Why?
You: I just didn’t want you to feel bad, and I don’t know how to tell you when it’s happening. I feel like you get really frustrated with me when I don’t come, and like a lot of the time, it’s seemed easier to just pretend.
Them: God, that’s terrible! I feel like such an asshole: I must be awful in bed! And this is like…lying! You’ve been lying to me.
You: I’m sorry: I can understand you being so upset with me and feeling like that. Do you want me to keep talking, or do you need a minute?
Them: No, keep talking. This just really sucks.
You: Okay. And I know it does, which is why I’m trying to finally talk about it. I don’t want things to keep being like this. It’s not about you being a jerk or being bad in bed. It’s just that, for starters, I need you to put less pressure on me to orgasm. When you get so frustrated, it’s pretty hard for me to stay excited. Too, I think it’d help if we did more things with sex, or spent more time with those things, that were more likely to get me there. A lot of what we do seems to be the things you like best, but not the things I do. I know we haven’t really talked about what those things are before, so some of that is my fault, but I want to talk about them now.
Them: Fine.
You: You’re really quiet, and I know that’s probably because your feelings are hurt: I never wanted to hurt your feelings, and I’ll understand if you’re upset for a while or I need to earn some trust back. But I’m trying, here, and this is tough for me, too.
Them: I am upset. And I just feel like a loser for thinking things were so good for you when they weren’t, and because what does it say about me if I can’t make you come?
You: Well, unless I told you they weren’t, you couldn’t have known. And since I didn’t what it seems to say about you is that you have a girlfriend who needs to work on speaking up. And until we talk about what I think I’ll like more, I don’t think it makes sense to make this about you, you know? I mean, I think it’d be great if from now on, you asked me more about what I like, and I promise that from here on out, when you ask, I’ll tell the truth, even if I think it’ll make you less happy than you might be if I didn’t. If you could also just try to make my orgasm less about you – I mean, what it means about you – and more about me, since it is, I think that’d help, too.
Them: You’re right, I wasn’t really asking you. I just assumed what I liked what was you did, and I get frustrated because you can make me come, so I should be able to do it too, and if I can’t, that’s something wrong with me. I’m still feeling kind of funny about all of this, and it might take me a little time to feel really comfortable again with sex, but I would like to talk about what you like for the next time, and I’m really sorry you felt like you had to pretend. Looks like we both owe each other apologies.

• They Do, You Don’t: Your partner wants to have sex for the first time, right now. You don’t.

Them: Can we move this to the bedroom? I think it’s time to take things to the next level.
You: I’m cool going to the bedroom if you want to, but I don’t feel like it’s time for me to step things up yet. Sorry, I just need some more time.
Them: But we’ve been going out for a while now, it just feels right, and you’re so sexy right now. I want you, and you’ve got me all worked up.
You: Hey, I’m glad you think I’m sexy: I think you’re hot, too. And while I also really care about you, it doesn’t feel right for me yet. I’m worked up right now, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for me to go farther before I’m ready, or that it’s fair to suggest that I should do more than I’m comfortable with because you’re excited. Plus, we haven’t even talked about this before, and I feel like there’s a lot to talk about. We can stop and start talking about it now if you want – so long as you understand I’m still not going to do it tonight – or we can keep doing what we were doing, or even just call it a night, but that’s it.
Them: I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so pushy. That wasn’t cool of me. Let me calm down for a minute, and then what do you say we just cuddle up and talk about this – no pressure, just seems like it’d be a good idea to figure out where we both stand and what we need.
You: That’d be great, thanks.

Alternate Conversation:
Them: Can we move this to the bedroom? I think it’s time to take things to the next level.
You: I’m cool going to the bedroom if you want to, but I don’t feel like it’s time for me to step things up yet. Sorry.
Them: No problem. You want to keep doing what we are, then, or want to just chill out? We can talk about this, too, if you want.
You: You know, I liked what we were doing, so if you’re cool, and we can keep it at that level, I’d like to keep doing that. Thanks for being so understanding.

• A Right Way to Say “I Want You”: You’re thinking you’d like to have your relationship become a sexual one, and neither you nor the person you’re dating have brought sex up yet, nor done much more than kissing.

You: Can I talk to you about something? It might be a little awkward.
Them: Sure, what is it?
You: I’ve been thinking a lot about sex with you if it’s something you’d like to do with me, too.
Them: (stammers)
You: I don’t mean to put you on the spot, it’s just that I’d rather talk about it together first than just make a move that I’m not sure you want or are ready for. You won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t feel the same way – I mean, I’d be bummed, but it’s okay -- or don’t feel that way yet. I just want to let you know how I’m feeling, see how you’re feeling, and talk it over.
Them: Well, thanks. Sorry to be so flustered, you just caught me off-guard. You know, I’ve been thinking about that, too. I do want to do that, too, I just didn’t know how to bring it up without making you feel uncomfortable. I’m also pretty shy with this stuff.
You: That’s okay: it feels a little uncomfortable for me to talk about it, too – I practiced saying this like eight times before you came over -- but I figure if I can’t be okay talking about it, I probably shouldn’t be doing it. There’s also some things we should just sort out in advance, like, we’ve never talked about our sexual histories, or where we both see this relationship going these days. I also want to be sure that we’re on the same page when it comes to stuff like birth control⁠ (birth control: Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.) and safer sex⁠ (safer sex: Practices which aim to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as use of latex/nonlatex barriers, regular testing for infections and limiting the number of sexual partners.) before we actually need any of that stuff.
Them: That’d be great…but do we have to talk about all of that today?
You: No, I don’t think it’s a one-day thing anyway. But maybe we could start with some of it today and just take it from there?
Them: That works for me. And, umm…I’m glad you think you want to have sex with me. I was worried you weren’t interested or that I’d screw things up by not saying something first. Do we have to start talking right this second, or can I give you a kiss first?
You: Not without a condom⁠ (condom: A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.) ! Just kidding!

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