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annoyed asks:

Why do guys get so tired and uninterested after they orgasm? Just because his penis isn't hard anymore doesn't mean he has to stop! I would totally keep doing other things focused on other parts of the body until he's ready again, and I wouldn't mind continuing to be stimulated with his hands or something, but he doesn't seem interested. He just lays there and if I try to do anything else he gets up immediately to clean up and put his clothes back on. Why?

Heather Corinna replies:

Well, I'll bet you're annoyed! But it's not just a guy thing.

Often after anyone -- male, female or otherwise -- reaches orgasm, they'll be a little spaced out for a bit, and might need a breather sometimes. Sometimes, even with our bit of dizzy-spacey-blissed-out, we'll still be up to continuing with sex, and other times, we may really just be spent. Too, not everyone wants to have, or is up for, more than one orgasm.

Men and women are wired a little bit differently in one respect, in that men usually need a little more time after orgasm until their genitals are good to go again, and overall, fewer men than women experience multiple orgasm (especially only with penile sex). But if you aren't talking about more genital sex on his part, or HIM wanting another orgasm, that's irrelevant.

What I'm seeing here isn't so much an issue of someone being tuckered out after orgasm but an issue of your particular partner being selfish, or perhaps not getting that you want and need more. I see avoidance in even addressing that you aren't finished here. But since you're asking me why, I can't help but wonder if you haven't also avoided discussing this with your partner, too. Until we've just earnestly discussed something with someone, we can't really say they're not responding, eh?

There are several different ways to manage this pretty easily. You two could just do the kinds of sex that bring you to orgasm first, and save the things that get him there for last. If a partner knows that they're one of those people who is just plain toast after an orgasm, they can just be sure to bring you to orgasm first. Another alternative is for partners to take turns entirely with sex: in other words, one particular night is about bringing one partner to orgasm, then the next night is about the other. Another option is just leaving plenty of time for sex so that if any or both partners reach orgasm and are tanked for a bit, it's okay to take a few minutes and then resume other sexual activities. Of course, too, we often can step it up and just keep something going for our partners even when we're post-orgasm: while for the first few minutes, we might feel out of it, if we really are invested in and excited by our partner's pleasure, in no time at all we can usually be back in the swing of things. And if you're both reaching orgasm, but you want more than one and he only wants one, he can certainly engage in oral sex, manual sex or mutual masturbation with you until you feel satisfied: you don't need him to have another erection to finish (nor is that a realistic expectation).

However, all of this hinges on partners earnestly seeing sex as being about BOTH partner's mutual pleasure and enjoyment.

It also hinges on partners really communicating with each other. There is an awful lot that many people don't understand about partnered sex in general: for instance, as I was just explaining to someone else today, plenty of heterosexual men don't know or understand that while for a majority of men, vaginal intercourse is wholly satisfying, it's only that way for a minority of women. And that kind of general information is only the beginning: sexuality and sexual pleasure being so individual and diverse, if partners don't tell one another what they enjoy most, what's missing, what they want and need -- and I do mean tell, not just show -- most folks aren't going to have very satisfying sexual relationships. So, when you ask me why he does this, I can't help but wonder why you don't know, from him. You need to bring this up, make clear that this is not working for you, and if he can't find a way to make sex just as much about you as him, or pace things in a way that work for you both, then he's the only one who can tell you why that is.

That reason can be different for anyone who feels that way. Some people may simply not care about things being mutual and equitable, or figure that if a partner can't reach orgasm before they do, well then that's too darn bad. Obviously, with someone with these kinds of attitudes, and who isn't willing to change them, you're at a dead-end, and can't expect to have a healthy, mutually beneficial sexual relationship with that person. They want to masturbate on someone, not have bonafide partnered sex. Too, a lack of real sexual interest in a partner may be due to a fizzling relationship. How are you two doing otherwise? If your relationship is on the fritz or you're having problems, he may well be disinterested in your experience, but if that's the case, then it's time to put sex on the shelf until y'all work whatever needs working out out.

But others may just need to be filled in, and once they are, may change, some really easily. They may need to be told, expressly, on how inequitable the situation is, that you're just not satisfied, and be filled in on what you DO enjoy, what DOES get you to orgasm (or what you'd like to do until you're both ready to go again and THAT you'd like to go again), and that you're not satisfied alone by just them getting off. I know it might seem like body language and you trying to initiate more sex makes things obvious, but it isn't for everyone. Sex with a partner usually requires verbal communication, and when something isn't working like this, you've got to pipe up and say "Hey, why are you walking away so soon? I know you're finished, but I'm not," or "Can we try getting me to orgasm first this time? I get wanted to bliss out after your orgasm, but I keep getting left in the dust." And if he's unresponsive to things like that, or just shrugs them off, then you need to step it up and say, "Look, this is important, and sex with you is not working for me. If we can't work this out, I don't want to have sex."

So, sit down with the guy and have a chat about this, okay? Not after he's had an orgasm, but at a time when you two aren't having or having just had sex. Be kind, but firm in making clear that both of your needs should be a priority, and consider what he has to say. Suggest some of the options I brought up. But just start talking and see where it goes.

Here are a couple links which might help provide some extra food for thought:

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