Heather Corinna replies:
My boyfriend always wants to have sex. But I am never really in the mood to have it but I do anyways so I dont make him mad. When me and him him have sex I don't feel anything, and I never have a orgasm and I don't know why. Is there something wrong with me? Am I wrong for not telling him that I don't get off?
Well, I feel you shouldn't fake it in the FIRST place, and would say it's time to stop faking NOW.
I know: it can be really hard sometimes to tell a partner we care a lot about that we're dissatisfied, because we don't want to hurt their feelings. But faking pleasure or orgasm is one of the best recipes for making your sex life far worse, and isn't good for your general relationship, either. When a person fakes pleasure or orgasm, they're giving their partner a message that whatever their partner was doing feels good. So, over time, your partner gets in the habit of doing what really doesn't feel good to you -- because you've given them the impression it does -- and you both wind up locked into sex that doesn't work for you both, not to mention what not having the open communication sex really requires to BE good does to your sex life and your relationship in general.
If you're never in the mood, sex isn't likely to feel good, no matter WHAT someone does. So, I'd also suggest you break another bad habit now, which is having sex ANY TIME other than when you're in the mood: ditch the sex out of obligation, to. Unhealthy stuff.
So, what you need to do then to wipe the slate clean is have an honest talk about this: make clear that though you don't know it to be any fault of his or anyone's sex isn't working for you, and you're also just not in the mood, and need to figure out what's up. You say you say yes so he doesn't get mad: if you honestly feel like or know that not having sex will result in anger on his part, that needs to be talked about, too. It has to be okay when our partners don't want to have sex, and however disappointed we may be, anger isn't an appopriate response.
This will probably be a few talks, not just one, and I'd strongly suggest that while you're working all of this out, you make clear that now is NOT the time for you two to be sexually active, but instead, time for you to take a break from it so you can figure out what you really want and need. A good partner should really not have a problem with that request, because a good partner is going to be very invested in sex being of benefit to BOTH partners, not just themselves.
So, then, once you start fresh there, you CAN look at these things to try and answer your questions.
For instance, do you or do you not feel a strong chemistry and physical attraction to your boyfriend? (Sometimes we love people where we don't: happens all the time, which is some of why we have so many different kinds of relationships.) If you do, when are you feeling strongly aroused, and when you are, is there a kind of sex you ARE wanting that just isn't the kind you're having? Or, is sex, overall, just not something you're that interested in yet? If it's just not, then you really need to do yourself a favor and wait for sex until it is.
How's your sex life all by yourself via masturbation? What cues can you take from that? And what IS the sex you're having like: is it just intercourse, or is it about a lot more? Is this a matter of you not wanting sex, period, or of you needing different kinds of sex?
What are the dynamics like between you when it comes to sex? Have you ever just sat down and talked about how both of you feel about it, what you both want, what your limits and boundaries are? While I know that when you first start talking about sex, it can feel awkward and uncomfortable, this is a practice-makes-perfect deal: that communication is essential for good sex and healthy sexual relationships, and the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Know, too, that if you're having sex out of obligation, it's going to become more and more of a drag, and of course you'll not be that excited when it comes to the table. If you know you're going to be putting on a show with faking, same deal. So, just ceasing with the obligatory sex and the fakins may help a whole lot all by themselves.
I've included a few pieces for you I think will be of help:
- 10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
- Reciprocity, Reloaded
- Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
- Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul
- Yield for Pleasure
- Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
I know that's a lot of reading, but those are all good places to start for you, particularly for you to really think things through for yourself to know where to start with these conversations, as well as with determining what you really do and do not want right now in terms of sex.
Understand, too, that sex with a partner isn't some Pandora's Box, where once we open it, we never get to shut it again. Plenty of times in most people's lives -- people of every age -- once they've become sexually active, they'll want breaks, time away, time to be alone, time to regroup or recenter. Sometimes, they're just not in the mood for sex for long periods of time, or just plain have other priorities. So, if you come to the conclusion that sex right now just isn't what you want, the smartest, healthiest thing to do is not to have it until a time comes when it is a very strong desire for you that does feel right all of the time.